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Sammamish Families: Co-Parenting with Your Former Spouse

Here is advice from two Eastside counselors on co-parenting with a former spouse.

Divorce is a painful process no matter how gracefully it is handled. And if you and your former spouse are co-parenting, the process often gets more challenging. Two Eastside counselors share some insights on how to co-parent with an ex and avoid as much conflict, and damage to your children, as possible.

Be Respectful and Avoid Arguing in Front of Your Children

Leslie Johannes, MEd, LMFT is a Bellevue-based Jungian-oriented therapist. She has over 15 years of experience working with individual adults, couples, children and teen girls and their parents. Johannes said one of the best practices of co-parenting with an ex spouse is to “keep the divorce, including the management of difficult and intense emotional states, between the two parents. Parents act wisely when they take care to keep children free of: Delivering parental messages, unresolved or ongoing arguments or clearly and regularly putting-down the child’s other parent.

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Children always suffer when they are innocently drawn into their parents’ differences and communication. Let children know these are adult matters and too complex for them to have to deal with and keep it between the adults.

"Children often feel isolated and alienated when one parent undermines the other; pressured to take sides, they 'lose' one parent to secure the other parent’s approval. Children can be pressed into over- responsible patterns of behavior, functionally reversing the parent-child roles to the child’s detriment," she said.

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Counselor Stephen Chick, MA, LMHC of Snoqualmie’s Mt. Si Counseling Services, agrees. A significant percentage of his clients are families with parents who are in the process of separation or already divorced who are struggling with the challenges of co-parenting. Chick is himself a divorced father co-parenting a teenage daughter. Chick says that in addition to being respectful to an ex spouse, be mindful of how you talk about your ex to friends and family, even on the phone, with your kids nearby. “Kids are smart and even little kids can read your body language and tone,” he said.

As Johannes put it, you must “maintain positive regard for everyone your child holds dear, whether you yourself hold that person dear or not.”

You Can Only Control What Happens at Your House

Chick also said that unless a child is endangered, you must accept that you can’t dictate to your ex what goes on with your child’s routine – bedtime routines, meals, when homework gets done at his or her house. “You can only control what goes on at your house,” he said.

Don’t get drawn into a battle with your ex by your child over different parenting styles and household routines, Chick cautioned. “Often parents have different parenting styles that clash, which may be one of the reasons that they are getting a divorce. One parent may be stricter or more passive than the other and a child can learn how to pit one parent against the other,” he said.

In all co-parenting situations, Chick added: “It is important that parents support each other. Explain these different parenting styles to your child, and then explain what is expected: 'Your dad does it his way at his house and that is OK, and I do it this way at my house, and when you are here, you’ll do it this way.'”

Johannes agrees: “Establish clear boundaries around mom’s house and dad’s house. Parents need to each manage their own households, establishing rules, schedules and consequences within those separate domains. Parents and children nearly always run into frustrating difficulties when these boundaries are not observed.”

Signs Your Child May Need Professional Support During or After Your Divorce

Chick pointed to signs a child, whose parents are going through a divorce, needs support from a counselor. This includes “loss of longtime friends or suddenly acquiring new friends, changes in academic performance, withdraws, cries more frequently or becomes easily angered and prone to outbursts.”

Seek support for a teen, Chick said, if he or she is “rebellious toward a parent, when a parent is losing control, when a teen is promiscuous, using drugs or alcohol, hanging out with the wrong crowd, engaging in cutting and other forms of self-mutilation or battling an eating disorder.”

Ideally, Chick said, the child should have his or her own counselor, separate from the parent, but knows that counselors often end up treating both the child and the parent going through the divorce.

How to Avoid Common Mistakes Many Divorced Parents Make

“One of the biggest mistakes divorced parents make is using the children for revenge, power over the other parent or to win an argument, legal or otherwise. Children can see when parents are not acting in their children’s best interests and the damage from such situations can be quite devastating to a child’s well being far into their own adulthood,” Johannes said.

She said there are support systems parents can enlist to avoid common mistakes and to help a child better navigate his or her new and challenging circumstances. “Co-parenting therapy can be useful in developing a practice of challenging one’s negative perspectives of the other parent and finding productive ways of negotiating the difficult task of working with an ex-spouse for the benefit of the children. Parenting classes, a divorced parents support group and/or regular conversations with friends when you need space for venting your frustrations can take some pressure off and add useful insights. An open system of honest communication between parents and children about family functioning helps in creating workable solutions.  Weekly family meetings in each household can be useful in ameliorating family conflicts and dilemmas,” she said.

Chick said to be mindful of the proper role of any new romantic partner in the life of your children during and after a divorce. One of the biggest mistakes, Chick has observed, that many divorced parents make is introducing a new romantic partner to a child, expecting that child to get to know and trust that person. But that person is often suddenly replaced in a few months.

Ideally, Chick said: “You should not be introducing anyone to your kids while you are dating, unless you are ready to make a commitment to that person.”

And new romantic partners should not be attempting to parent your child. “It is inappropriate for your girlfriend or boyfriend to discipline your child,” he added. That person, Chick said, should be working on building “trust and friendship with your child, before developing any greater role in his or her life.”

More Support On the Eastside

There are several resources on the Eastside for parents who are going through a divorce and need additional support for themselves and their children, including  in Bellevue and  in Redmond.

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