Finding Support with the Sammamish Plateau Parent Networking Group

Are you a plateau parent who longs to connect with other parents as you go through the challenges of raising a teenager on the plateau? Well you are in luck, because that group exists. The Sammamish Plateau Parent Networking Group offers support to all plateau parents, but especially to parents of so-called tweens—generally considered kids between the ages of 9 and 12—and teens. The group's , at the from 11:30 am to 1:30 pm. The meeting is free and will be led by parenting coach Bill Dean, who works exclusively with families of adolescents.

Founder Cherry O'Neill transitioned from self described clueless mom to parenting and life coach.

Cherry O’Neill is the mother of five grown children, all raised on the plateau. She founded the Sammamish Plateau Parent Networking Group sixteen years ago with co-founder Kathy Rotchadl. She was inspired to start the group after recognizing “the challenges and consequences of raising children in a world that was much different than the world I grew up with. My kids were facing so many new challenges and I was a clueless mom who needed to get into the trenches.”

She also recognized that the plateau’s tweens and teens often faced serious challenges. The biggest problem remains, she says, “denial by the parents who don’t make it their business to understand the pressure they put on their kids.”

O’Neill is also very aware of the substance abuse challenges on the plateau and for many years help run the DATA (Drugs, Alcohol and Tabacco Awareness) program at and .

She is working now as a family and parenting life coach. She says she enjoys helping tweens and teens who have been through a substance rehab program continue to stay clean and sober and successfully meet their goals. She is also looking forward to working with "empty nest" moms who are planning what they want to do next in their lives after successfully raising their children.

Bill Dean urges parents to recognize that today's tweens and teens may experience many challenges growing up on the plateau.

Bill Dean, of Whole and Healthy Family Solutions, is a father and grandfather. He has been a facilitator and coach for more than 30 years, and has spent more than 15 years working exclusively with families of tweens and teens. Dean says some of the challenges facing parents today include the amount of negative influences on children and the abundance of distractions available, especially from electronics and the media.

“There is so much more than any other time in history. Even parents of young children are having a hard time coping with it,” Dean says.

Other challenges for plateau tween and teens include a sense of entitlement. “Almost all the kids have some sense of entitlement. This isn’t in their DNA, they were taught this. Kids have been given everything. It is hard to get to high school and not think, 'I need these things to be popular and accepted,'” Dean says.

Dean also continues to see “a huge amount of drug use up on the plateau. It's rampant." Dean guesses that the majority of 12 to 19 year olds on the plateau have tried marijuana or use it regularly. “A lot of teens know smoking cigarettes is bad for their health, but not pot.”

He also witnesses the impact of promiscuity among the plateau’s tweens and teens. “Parents often don’t understand how different things are today for their children. There is a growing culture of sexuality among teens, in part because of the media and other negative influences.”

Divorce is also another challenge often experienced by plateau families, says Dean. When parents are going through a divorce says Dean “coaching should be essential.”  All the stress parents are feeling and any anger expressed, says Dean, will be “absorbed by the children."

Red flags to look for in children and teens when parents are going through a divorce include a change of behavior, depression, substance abuse, a change in friendships or suddenly quitting beloved activities. Red flags mean it is especially time, says Dean, to immediate seek the support of a counselor or parenting coach.

Successfully parenting today's tweens and teens often involves embracing new approaches to parenting and healing old wounds.

Parents often try to correct challenging behavior through control, anger and punishment, says Dean.

“I try to get parents to differentiate between punishment and consequences. Punishment often involves pain and restrictive behavior. Parents who use consequences help a child understand how certain choices will lead to certain consequences,” he says. “We parent as we were parented and bad parenting typical happens when a parent was wounded as a child. There is a better way to parent. Fear, control and anger don’t work well.”

Better parenting starts, says Dean, with the parent healing their own wounds by understanding the source of their wounds. “Go back in your mind and nuture that wounded child as an adult. You don’t need your own parent to do that.”

Resources to work through this process might include books or a counselor, therapist, psychologist or parenting coach. The Sammamish Plateau Parent Networking group has a lending library that Dean says is a great resource for parents beginning this journey.

“It is critical that an adult who was wounded as a child undergo a healing process because you can’t be a good parent yourself until you learn to let go of the anger,” he says.

Respect is another key to successful parenting, says Dean. “This is tough for some parents whose kids aren’t respectful at all. When your child is being disrespectful there is an adult not respecting him or her. Parents should ask themselves if I am being respectful to my child, who may not be? Is there another adult in his or her life, a teacher or coach, being disrespectful to him or her or is my child being bullied? Don’t jump to conclusions when a child is disrespecting you, search out what is influencing him or her.”

Communication is also key to good parenting. “Tweens and teens will shut down as they try to distance themselves from their parents. Parents need to not over react to this. Give your child permission to find their own way. Hopefully you’ve taught them about choices and consequences. Give them permission to work within a structure they understand. Discuss the rules and consequences and get them to contribute what the rules will be, appropriate for their age and situation. But keep in mind you are still the mom or dad and you still ultimately make the rules.”

Plateau parents of tweens and teens can often feel overwhelmed, but there is help and group support available.

“Parents are overwhelmed. It is a very difficult time to be the parent of a tween or teen in today’s world,” Dean says, adding that being part of a parent group can be helpful to parents who feel overwhelmed. “Wouldn’t it be great that you realize you aren’t the only one facing these challenges? You have a group to reach out to.”

The Sammamish Plateau Parent Networking Group meets year round. If you have questions about the upcoming meeting or would like to receive an email notifying you of future meetings, you can contact Cherry O’Neil at dwo-mci@msn.com or 206-550-3809.