The Talk: Teens, Sexuality and Your Family Values

Many of us grew up with parents who spoke to us one time, if at all, about sex. It was known as “The Talk.” Most parents postponed it until we were in high school, and it was frequently full of warnings, not helpful information. This week, two Puget Sound-area experts share tips on how parents can have effective conversations with their kids about their bodies, sexuality and family values. They also offer resources to help you with one of the most challenging and important tasks of parenting.

Starting Early And Using the Correct Words For Body Parts Can Help Keep Kids Safe From Sexual Predators

Amy Lang is a Seattle-based sex education expert and parent educator. Her website, Birds and Bees And Kids is full of helpful tips and resources for parents on the topic of how to talk effectively to kids about sex, love and relationships.

"Often parents are afraid to talk to their young kids about bodies, sexuality and being safe because they look at these things from an adult perspective. They know 'everything' about sex, so the very thought of talking to kids about all of that makes it really hard," she said.

"The reality is that young kids don't know about sex - they are innately sexual, of course - but are blank slates when it comes to the facts of life, bodies, babies and sexuality. They learn about this like they learn about ponies or volcanoes. It's just more information in a world that's chock full of information."

It is important, she added, that kids - even when they're babies - know basic body parts and use real names to identify them. Kids who do so and have open conversations about their bodies with their parents are safer from sexual abuse, Lang explained.

Sexual predators, Lang said, “look for kids who are clueless about sex and bodies. They want kids to be in the dark because this way, the child doesn't know that it's wrong for an adult to touch these areas of their bodies. Talking about safe or OK touches is very important. Kids need to be empowered by you to say no to uncomfortable touch.”

How To Establish Yourself As A Trusted Resource For Information

“These conversations about their bodies can easily lead into conversations about where babies come from. These parts have a special job to do, after all, and kids should be aware of this from the age of five or so. Explaining the basics of baby making, which includes the penis going into the vagina, doesn't ruin them, scare them or somehow cause them to 'lose their innocence,'" she said.

"Instead, they see you as a trustworthy resource and someone they can talk to about these issues. You can then build on your 'cred' as they age. They will come to expect this information from you especially if you embrace sexuality education as part of your work as a parent.”

Avoid Having “The Talk” One Time About Sex and Instead Have An On-going Conversation

Carole Miller is the Chief Learning Officer of Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest. She is a parent of a son and daughter, now adults.  She started her job at Planned Parenthood when her children were nine and 12 in part because, she said, “I wanted to do this – convey information about sex – better as a parent.”

“Parents are responsible for sharing their family values and are critical to this part of child development,” she said.

Best practices among parents when it comes to discussing sexuality with tweens and teens include talking about the consequences of making certain choices. “We want young people to have all the information,” Miller said. “You want to share your values with them and expectations. We know when parents engage in ongoing conversations with a child about their hopes and dreams for him or her and family values from an early age – versus 'one big talk about sex' – it makes a difference.”

Get Support So You Can Do A Better Job Than Your Parents Did Talking To You About Sex

Miller says to think about how talking about sex was handled when the parent was a teen. “Most parents didn’t have good role modeling. No parent has it all together but all parents can be good at it with support,” she said.

Miller acknowledges it is tough to have these conversations. “Very few people are good at these difficult conversations,” she said.

But she said parents can seek workshops on how to do this, such as the ones offered by Planned Parenthood, which has offices in and Issaquah.

How To Keep Talking – Even When Your Tween Or Teen Acts Like He or She Isn’t Listening

“Just because they act like they don’t want to have the conversation doesn’t mean that they don’t want to talk,” Miller said. She recalled the astute comment of a male peer educator, a teen, when a mom complained that her teenage daughter acted like she didn’t want to hear what the mom had to say. His words of advice, as Miller said: “That is her job – to act like she doesn’t want to hear the information but it is your job to keep talking.”

Miller said it is OK to acknowledge to your child that the conversation might be uncomfortable for the two of them because it can be. "Young people appreciate your honesty," she said. 

Successful parents use lots of strategies for having conversations about sexual choices, Miller said, so they don’t feel as uncomfortable. Parents might have the conversation when driving a tween or teen somewhere, on a walk together, at a coffee date or through emails with information.

Miller said that Planned Parenthood offers workshops where parents can share successful strategies for when and where to have conversations with tweens and teens about sex. More information on these workshops is available online. 

Parents Remain The Key to Effective Sex Education

Miller cited information from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy that teen children view their parents as the top source for information about sex.

"Parents need to realize that they are not alone and that there are a lot of resources to support them. Our ultimate goal as parents is to see our young people develop into healthy, happy adults – including being sexually healthy," she said. "Parents are key in this development.”