Juan Pablo kicks off Juanuary on THE BACHELOR!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Juanuary is off to a great start with the 2 night premier of ABC TV's THE BACHELOR now behind us. This season's chosen Bachelor is Juan Pablo Galavis, a Venezuelan, soccer-playing, Daddy of one, who got about 27 seconds of air time on the last Bachelorette, much to American women's chagrin. It was not nearly enough, and when the producers of THE BACHELOR realized their mistake, they made Juan Pablo the next Bachelor, a fact that got a lot of mommies through the busy Christmas season, in hopes of Juanuary.
In last night's opening show, fashion was at a premium, tears were flowing, girls were drinking, and Juan Pablo was as charming and real as we expected. This is not your ordinary Bachelor. Oh no!
He's Latin, for one thing, (speaks with an accent), he has a child, Camila (who looks like a normal four year old girl), he's much more playful than past Bachelors and unfortunately this guy looks more like a deer caught in the headlights than any other Bachelor who has gone before him, including Ben Flajnik, the Napa vintner. Last night, Juan Pablo looked almost terrified when faced with the room of dazzling women. 
Why is this Spanish hottie the Bachelor? Juan Pablo Galavis apparently has trouble finding women who would be good wife/mommy material, something I'm still scratching my head over months after hearing this. Moving on.
I tweeted and voted and shared and posted for him to be the next Bachelor like it really mattered to my personal happiness, so you can imagine that I'm content to sit and watch Juan Pablo for two hours as he soaps his newly-toned body in the shower and laughs with Sean Lowe over going shirtless (they did last night as a joke) and talks with Sean about how many girls to kiss in the course of the three month show. Good fun, Ladies, right?
After a touching segment with Juan Pablo and Camila, and then his charming parents, it was on to the girls. But the producers edit this show to sway our opinions and are famous for picking our favorites for us through their editing.
Dirty Trick #1- Last night, they encouraged us to root for the poor gal who opened her first Old Folks Home at the age of twenty. She was so sweet! (Spoiler alert - She left in the first boat off the island). Boo.
Out of the 27 hopefuls, some girls looked a little full of themselves, some looked overly excited about a reality show that might see them hitting the curb after the first night, and one looked downright strange in hippy garb with no makeup. Not that everyone has to wear makeup but on camera you need it or you look strange. Ask any male anchorman. 
For her big first impression she wore a flowery hairband and bare feet to the formal cocktail party and proceeded to put her dirty, big feet on JP's lap later and tell him she's a free spirit and hippy, like this is an actual profession. Sound like a good mom for Camila? Well, JP saw something in her and she made last night's cut. Maybe he read online that she's friends with Kate Upton or that she wants to be a Mommy. Or that she dances naked on Mexico beaches with 49 friends. No kidding. That's in her bio.
As ladies stepped from various limos, introduced themselves and proceeded to the house. One tiny gal even bicycled a piano up the uneven driveway as she played the thing -- can you say awkward!? One pretended she was pregnant - not awkward at all! And one attempted a science experiment/joke about chemistry and then didn't even kiss his pursed lips - super awkward and missed opportunity!
At this point, aside from Hippy Girl, they all looked relatively sane. Then the alcohol took effect and things took a first night bachelor party too much champagne, turn. Cry Girl found it all just too close to the phone call where her fiance broke up with her months before and became, well, Cry Girl.
Not something you want to aspire to on the first night. Then she proceeded to tell JP about her heartache while he squirmed on the couch beside her. I'm surprised she didn't wear her old engagement ring. Poor Cry Girl spent precious on-air time telling us she's not usually like this. Hopefully she'll laugh at it all when we see her in After the Final Rose. Or will she get invited, because she was eliminated faster than you can say "Don't cry, beg, or confess on the first night, Cry girl!"
The Prosecutor from Florida stood out last night as normal,  flirty, cute, not desperate like some. 
BUT, the most awkward moment of the whole night, besides Hippy Girl's feet and Massage Girl's horribly embarrassing attempt to win JP over with a clothes-on, weird-idea massage on a table set up in the garden, was the First Impression Rose. This is often a kiss of death because many recipients go on to later make a horrible impression, or get so full of themselves after their win, that they ruin their chances by developing needy behavior early on. Opera Girl, however, played it so cool when JP took off to get the rose that we felt horribly sorry for our TV Latin boyfriend. She admitted to the camera (while he was gone!) that she did not feel any attraction to the Bachelor and when Juan Pablo ran in and handed her the coveted rose expecting some excitement, she paused so long I had time to yell at the TV "Take it back, Juan, she won't love you like I will. Oh, I mean like the other girls will." She took it, however, thereby taking up space in the final group of worthy gals when we know she won't return his affections. Or will she? In later episodes we see her embracing him, crying, and even not calling him "Sir". What was up with that? I know us Canadians are polite but SHEESH! Why did she call him "Sir"? Twice! Not even the most polite Canadian would say "Sir". That's a down south thing to do. Not up north. And when he's just singled you out of 27 gorgeous, accomplished women to say you are special. Translation Help: "I love your dress" really means 'I'm attracted to you.' Said twice, it means,"throw me a bone here, woman." Opera Girl did not get the memo to loosen up and go with the flow.

Front runners thus far, for me, are Nurse Nikki, Ali the Nanny and Piano Girl. Oh and The Prosecutor, Andi.
That's just my opinion and I'm not a man, not Latin, not actually there in the Mansion, not off camera watching these women in their unnatural habitat of evening gowns and champagne.
But that's what this show is all about, isn't it? Sitting on our couches at home, forming opinions, talking to the TV and watching this dating process unfurl before us. Can't wait for next week!


Kim Hornsby is the author of THE HUSBAND HUNT, a series of novellas on AMAZON books that take place in a fictitious Reality TV show. The first story in the series is a free download on Amazon, called Jaxie's Mistake. "like watching a season of The Bachelor!" the reviews say.
Check it out! http://amzn.com/B00BN1YNS0